Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Heart's Desire

I believe God gave every person he created special and unique desires. The desires of our heart are ours and ours alone. They are between us and God. No one can remove them, change them, or lessen the pain for us when we don't get them. No one except, of course, our maker who gave them to us in the first place.

I have always had a deep desire to adopt. For as long as I can remember it's been on my heart; like my heart was branded with this desire before I was even born. Over the years as I have grown up, married and started my family one might think (especially if you regularly read my blog) that there's no way I could desire for my house to be more full/explosive/busy/dirty than it already is, but I really feel that desires like the one I have don't simply fade away in the night... even if they sound crazy when they are whispered out loud.

When Carter was two and a half years old Jeff and I prayed (for 6 months) before deciding that it was time to start taking adoption/fostering classes to begin the adoption process. We took these classes, workshops, and did all the paperwork over the course of 4 months. When we were finally finished we had a pile of paperwork to fill out and send in and we were officially on our way (we were officially "starting")... Two weeks later we randomly (and completely unexpectedly) found out we were pregnant (with Jack). To say I was confused would be a huge understatement. Hadn't we prayed about it? Hadn't God placed this wonderful desire on my heart on purpose? Weren't we too close to seeing this dream to fruition?

We never sent the paperwork in. It was too overwhelming. I was too confused. Jeff wasn't. He saw this as God simply telling us that the timing wasn't right. Although I cried (a lot), I was torn. I didn't not want this baby that we were now expecting, but at the same time I wanted to adopt so very badly.

It's been two and half years since Jack was born. Obviously I wouldn't trade him for the world. Our life is crazy. Most days I feel like my head is going to explode, and yet it remains, tucked away but still there. Like a tattoo on my heart that has faded a bit over the years, but there nonetheless. The desire.

I don't know what the future holds. It's not my job to know, and I'm thankful for that. My heartstrings still feel tugged on every time I hear an adoption story (and especially when I think about my own), but right now I'm trusting God. Right now I'm loving on the three beautiful and amazing home-made children that I have the priveledge of parenting. I will simply continue to trust. I will trust in the God who formed my heart the way he did on purpose. The God who knows me more intimately that I even know myself because he is the God who created me. I will trust, and I will wait.

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