Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Trusting and Trying

Why on earth am I so afraid? What am I afraid of, failing? Who cares (I mean really--do you, who I apparently think judge me as harshly as I judge myself) -- and what do I possibly think you are going to do with the information if I do fail? Tell someone?! (Gasp!) I have a feeling I think people judge my words, actions and non-actions much more often than it happens in reality (are we all so self-centered? No? Just me? Oh, okay.)

I'm "training" for a half marathon. (See, I can't even just say training because I don't think I'm good enough to actually be doing it... hense the quotations.) I started last year and then set it aside for a bit (8 months) and now I've been working at it again for 3 1/2 weeks. Friday I ran 6 miles (SIX MILES!) and yet for some reason in my brain it doesn't count. For anything. Maybe because I'm not a thin person. Maybe because I've never been a "runner." Maybe because I just don't want people to get wind that I've been trying to achieve a personal goal for fear that I might not see it to fruition and word will get out that I failed. I'm not sure. Probably all of those things. I'm not even sure why I'm writing all of this down, except that I know that if I don't it will boil in my brain and I will be unable to set it aside. I just need to get some things straightened out.

I might not be the fastest, thinnest, most capable, or best, but I can do my best. I might not be training to win (I'm actually training to not die before the finish line) and that's not just fine, it's great because it's my goal. I don't want to be the person who never tried anything because I was afraid of failing. I don't want to be the person who never took risks. I don't want to simply survive my life, I want to thrive in it. God gave me abilities (I might not run fast, but I can run) and I need to simply trust that He'll help me if I set my pride down and give Him the glory long enough to actually use them. I want to be proud of myself for trusting and trying even if I fail instead of kicking myself for walking away and not even giving it a shot. If I fail, I fail. But is it really even failing if you try your best (and especially if you learn something along the way)? I think that failing is not trying in the first place. Anything above that is sticker-worthy... so lay one on me because I'm not only giving it a shot, I'm writing to tell about it.


  1. Dude. The only way I'd run 5 miles is if someone was chasing me.

    You go girl!!

  2. I love you my friend. It's true that there is nothing to be afraid of in "failure" although as you pointed out, it's not really failure if you do your best & learn something. I am so proud of you for sticking to it, even when it's tough. You will feel better then you can imagine when we are done, I promise. Well, I promise *mentally* you will feel better, not so much with the physical lol. Love you

  3. Hey, for what it's worth I'm impressed! I can't run two blocks without having to call for an ambulence! That aside, something I always try to remind my husband is that the only way you fail is if you don't try. If you've even signed up to try, you've already succeeded in something! And if you give it your best shot on top of that, well then you are a winner!! You can do it Karey, you have a lot of fans cheering you on :)