Why on earth am I so afraid? What am I afraid of, failing? Who cares (I mean really--do you, who I apparently think judge me as harshly as I judge myself) -- and what do I possibly think you are going to do with the information if I do fail? Tell someone?! (Gasp!) I have a feeling I think people judge my words, actions and non-actions much more often than it happens in reality (are we all so self-centered? No? Just me? Oh, okay.)
I'm "training" for a half marathon. (See, I can't even just say training because I don't think I'm good enough to actually be doing it... hense the quotations.) I started last year and then set it aside for a bit (8 months) and now I've been working at it again for 3 1/2 weeks. Friday I ran 6 miles (SIX MILES!) and yet for some reason in my brain it doesn't count. For anything. Maybe because I'm not a thin person. Maybe because I've never been a "runner." Maybe because I just don't want people to get wind that I've been trying to achieve a personal goal for fear that I might not see it to fruition and word will get out that I failed. I'm not sure. Probably all of those things. I'm not even sure why I'm writing all of this down, except that I know that if I don't it will boil in my brain and I will be unable to set it aside. I just need to get some things straightened out.
I might not be the fastest, thinnest, most capable, or best, but I can do my best. I might not be training to win (I'm actually training to not die before the finish line) and that's not just fine, it's great because it's my goal. I don't want to be the person who never tried anything because I was afraid of failing. I don't want to be the person who never took risks. I don't want to simply survive my life, I want to thrive in it. God gave me abilities (I might not run fast, but I can run) and I need to simply trust that He'll help me if I set my pride down and give Him the glory long enough to actually use them. I want to be proud of myself for trusting and trying even if I fail instead of kicking myself for walking away and not even giving it a shot. If I fail, I fail. But is it really even failing if you try your best (and especially if you learn something along the way)? I think that failing is not trying in the first place. Anything above that is sticker-worthy... so lay one on me because I'm not only giving it a shot, I'm writing to tell about it.